On mental load, vigilance, and the exhaustion we’re taught to normalize.

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“Nap when your baby naps” sure, as if it was that easy.

People assume mothers are tired because of sleep deprivation.
And for most, that’s true.

But that’s not who I’m talking about.

I’m talking about mothers who can’t sleep — not because their bodies won’t shut down, but because their minds won’t.

When I put my baby down to sleep, I don’t want to sleep. I want to sit on my phone, scroll endlessly, numb my brain. I want to disconnect. Sometimes, I even visualize myself alone on a mountain, smoking, completely unreachable. And somehow, even this — this need to detach — becomes something mothers are quietly guilt-tripped for. By others. Sometimes by other mothers. And most of the times by ourselves.

First they said it’s the newborn phase. It’ll pass. That I was tired because of sleep deprivation. Fair enough. But as my son grew older I often slept eight to ten hours a night — and still woke up exhausted.

Then it’s the hormones. You’re nursing, prolactin is a bitch.
Okay. Maybe. So I chose to night wean my son. But even then, the exhaustion remained.

At one point, I genuinely thought something was wrong with me. An underlying illness. A deficiency. A disease.

II was right.

The disease is stress.

Because it isn’t my body that’s fatigued —
it’s my mind.

And yet, across cultures and generations, we’re taught that exhaustion only counts if it’s visible. If you’re sleeping enough, if you’re fed, if you have help — then you have no right to complain. No right to feel depleted.

I remember my mother asking me, What are you so stressed about? She assumed that because I had help, I should be stress-free.

The question surprised me — because she is a mother too. My mother still cannot sleep until she speaks to all three of her adult children. She knows, like I do, like you do, what it means to always be “on”. We know what it means to be constantly monitoring: through sight, through sound, through cameras, through thought. We are on all the time. Always listening. Always anticipating. Always scanning for risk.

Even when we outsource tasks to our partners, it often comes with guilt. And that guilt doesn’t switch off when responsibility shifts.

And so the internal battle begins.

We tell ourselves not to feel guilty — but that doesn’t work. Because guilt isn’t a mindset problem. It’s wired into how motherhood operates. Some might say disconnect from your baby for a while, but even that is stressful.

Across mammals, separation from offspring activates deeply conserved attachment and distress systems. In humans, this often shows up as anxiety, hypervigilance, or what we cognitively label as guilt. Research shows that separation-related contexts can raise cortisol, increase heart rate, and activate threat and attachment systems in the brain. When mothers see or hear their own infants cry, regions involved in salience, motivation, emotion regulation, and distress light up. This is why being unable to respond — even temporarily — can feel unbearable.

Being with your child can be physically exhausting.
Being away from your child can be mentally exhausting.

And yet, despite this biological reality, mothers are still held to impossible standards.

Bounce back.
Stay fit.
Keep the house spotless.
Never lose patience.
Never miss your old life.
Be grateful — always — even when you’re completely depleted.

We are shamed for struggling. Shamed for longing. Shamed for comparing — even though comparison is constantly shoved in our faces.

I miss myself — but I should be grateful.
I’m exhausted — but look how quickly she bounced back.
The house is messy — I must be a bad mother.
I want to contribute financially — but I want to be present — but my career — but my child —

These thoughts loop endlessly. Quietly. Relentlessly.

Mothers aren’t tired because they’re weak or disorganized.
They’re tired because they’re never off-duty — mentally, emotionally, or morally.

So if you’re exhausted in ways sleep doesn’t fix — you’re not broken.
You’re responding to impossible expectations.

Expectations no one stops to question.
Expectations no one corrects.
Expectations we’re expected to carry — silently.

And maybe the tiredness doesn’t mean you need to do more.
Maybe it means something needs to be named.
The stress factor triggering all your other stress factors.

For me, it was the guilt and stress I felt being away from my son, and anxiety that came from deciding on whether I should quit my job or stay. But anxiety and stress are not the same. Stress was my body physiologically telling me something was wrong. Anxiety is fear, and it was fear of the unknown.

So I decided to go against my fear, and give in to my physiological need to be with my baby (important to acknowledge that I am privelegd to be able to do so, because we are able to live on a single income).